It was my first time, and it was messy. I didn’t really know what to do, and it was awkward. I thought I was going to like it, but…unfortunately, I didn’t. And I’m embarrassed to say that, because I really want to like it (and not just because they hate it). I like people who like it, and it seems kind of pathetic that I wouldn’t have able to do it my first time…
Centering prayer is described as follows:
Centering Prayer is a method of prayer, which prepares us to receive the gift of God’s presence, traditionally called contemplative prayer. It consists of responding to the Spirit of Christ by consenting to God’s presence and action within. It furthers the development of contemplative prayer by quieting our faculties to cooperate with the gift of God’s presence. ((http://www.centeringprayer.com/cntrgpryr.htm))
It happened in chapel at the hospital a few weeks ago. A friend of mine went through a lot of trouble in preparation for leading us in centering prayer (including bringing his fancy Zen Alarm Clock). He gave us some basic instructions including the instruction to pick a “sacred word” to meditate on. I think I was screwed from right there. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I got all paranoid that I would pick the “wrong” sacred word, and then the centering prayer wouldn’t work. I eventually settled on spirit, I think. But then the silence came, and it came crashing in. I was sitting in the back row, and I couldn’t handle it. In addition to the annoying silence, my legs started to get antsy. I don’t know where this came from, but it reminded me of how my legs felt when our leadership team used to sit on the floor in a circle praying for what seemed like hours at camp before going to check on our cabins. I used to pray fervently that those times of prayer would end quickly, because my legs would get so restless. And then – the feeling came back to me, in a small, multi-faith chapel in the hospital, with my friend up in the front, only with the best intentions…
And the time dragged on. I swore he was going to lead us in centering prayer for the rest of the afternoon, and I knew I was going to have to get up and walk out if he didn’t finish soon. I couldn’t concentrate, my mind was racing with guilt for why I couldn’t do centering prayer, I wished I had chosen a better sacred word and my legs were incredibly restless. And then at last – the final chime of the Zen Clock – I had never been so happy to hear an alarm clock chime.
Granted, this was my first time experiencing centering prayer. I know it won’t be my last – it’s something I’d like to work on, something I’d like to get better at. And while I did laugh about it with my friend, it is still slightly annoying. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t bring myself into a state of relaxation or meditation…but hopefully I’ll get better at it with some practice. Anyone else have unfortunate first encounters with centering prayer, meditation, lectio divina or anything else?
